Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Randomize
