so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
