I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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