Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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