I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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