it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
