just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Randomize
