Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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