I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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