Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
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