Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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