At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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