he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
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That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
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I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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