I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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