she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I've blown a few things in my day
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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