i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
