My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
