Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
