My hand turned me down
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
