My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
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The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
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If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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