i just sent this text using only my big toe
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
