Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
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