This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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