I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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