There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
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