cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
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