YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
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