Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
