i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
