That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
