Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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