Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
