she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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