In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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