Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Randomize
