I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Then you guys just all showered together...?
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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