The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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