I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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