She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
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