I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
Randomize
