DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
