just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
