i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
