he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Do vagina's smell?
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
