everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Randomize
