Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
