He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Randomize
