My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
