Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
