Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
He felt like a one man threesome
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
