the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
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