True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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