mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Randomize
