There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
