I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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